Can't Sleep!!

Well here it is 1:23 in the morning and as usual I can't sleep! I suppose I'll have to call a sleeping pill to the rescue. I really don't like taking them things but a body gets a bit tired of not being about to sleep. My body likes me a whole lot better when I'm up and down though. I get so tired of sleeping in spurts but when I sleep in long periods of time I wake up to my hips throbbing so bad I feel like I can't stand it! Its a double edged sword I suppose. After a few weeks of jumping up and down all night I finally just wear down completely. I finally sleep for a good eight hours which to most people would make them wake up feeling refreshed. To me I wake up in maddening pain! Nobody ever said dealing with this disease was going to be easy. To those of you reading this and wondering...what disease? Its called Transverse Myelitis. No...it isn't catching either. :) Such a weird name isn't it? I had never heard of it myself till a doctor told me thats what I had. I was a working woman one day and a paralyzed woman the next. I don't feel sorry for myself by no means. After all I did learn to walk again. There are so many people out there who are stuck in a wheelchair. I can say that sometimes I get a bit sick and tired of dealing with it though. I don't like to complain to my family about it since I don't want to lay it at their doorstep. They are very supportive. I just know that I have a family member that always feels sorry for herself and though you naturally feel for a person with problems you can get awlful tired of hearing a person complain about their aches and pains all the time. You know the type. Haven't you ever ran into somebody and before you would even ask them how they are doing you was prepared to have to listen to every ache and pain they had ever had since birth? ha ha ha The type thats never had a good day? ha ha ha We all have. So....blogging is a wonderful outlet for such things. Like I said...I don't feel sorry for myself but sometimes it just feels good to say how you really feel. I like to think that maybe somebody will read this at some point who can relate and it might let them know there are other people out in the world that knows just what they're talking about. I joined a community for people with my disease hoping to be able to talk to other people that could relate to being in pain all the time. I have to say it turned out to be very disappointing. Other then everybody giving out information of what medication they were taking I never really got to know anybody on a personal level. Sort of a 'cold' feel to it. So...I was sitting on my computer one day and thought "maybe I can blog" and be able to put my thoughts and feelings down, and if anybody wanted to read them it was ok and if not it was ok. Just getting them out makes me feel so much better. I can come here and let it all hang out without my loved ones having to listen to me harp on it over and over. Like I said earlier...I had a job at one time in a office. After staying home to raise my two boys I finally decided to get out with a full time job when I became a single parent. By then my kids were older teenagers. I felt like I had done the right thing by staying home with them (and I still do) but the time came when it was time for me to start a career. So out I went and landed a full time job! I would have never thought that before I could even get to the eight year mark I would be disabled and back at home again. I went to work on a tuesday and wednesday morning I was paralyzed from the waist down. Even though I had worked in a office, somehow (nobody knows how) I managed to pick up a virus that invaded my spine. It really worked me over good. By the Grace of God I did learn to walk again. I got feeling back but with it came the awlful pain that never stopped. If somebody would have told me when I was younger that pain can run continuely and never stop I would have thought them crazy. But I (and tons more like me) can testify that its possible. You just learn to live with it. Through lots of doctors, tests, and medications my doctors has tryed to keep it bearable. Though will power (I found I have loads of it) I have learned to be able to handle pain that will puddle your eyes and still smile at people. I've learned that smiling and trying to keep in good spirits (and hanging on to my Lord) can give you will power thats amazing. I wish I could tell people that feeling sorry for yourself, frowning and loosing hope only makes your body feel worst. I can't sit here and say that everyday I'm one big ball of laughs either but I try to keep looking up most days. I do have regrets about things. I wish that I had gone to college when I was younger so that today I would have the type of career that I could work when I felt like it. Instead I got married (too early) had babies (while still a teenager) and didn't figure school was for me at the time. I had that outlook that so many teenagers have. I'd go back to school when my kids got grown. Well what happens if you don't get the chance? Your home wishing you had done things differently. I didn't see me being disabled and stuck at home all day at the age of 39 either. I'm going on 45 now. My working career came to an abrupt halt in 2004. I really miss work. Never thought I would say that either. ha ha ha ha I think I miss having somewhere to go, a schedule to keep and a feeling of self worth that my job brought me. I sure miss that paycheck too! ha ha ha Disability pay isn't all its cracked up to be. I feel guilty somedays watching my husband get out there working in the heat to pay for bills that I feel like we should be paying together. I think all couples should work together. Maybe not necessary both outside the home. A mother staying at home taking care of babies and keeping a house already has a full time job. But I don't have babies. I do keep the house looking good and the laundry washed up but that doesn't take up my day. My father once told me that when you don't work you never have a day off. Makes perfect sense if you think about it. After all when you work you look forward to your days off. When you don't then your days all seem the same. I have to admit....I have to ask a lot of times what day I'm in!!! A person with two computers, a camera, a camcorder and a nintendo ds should'nt even get bord. ha ha ha ha But I do. When my father passed I moved my mother in with me so I do have company during the day. Getting her our of bed is no easy task somedays. ha ha ha I call her my teenager. She tends to get depressed at lot with losing my brother then my father, then her father and the on going crap her mother and sister puts her though. Poor thing didn't do well in getting loving parents or a loving sister. So with her depression hitting severe and often I try my best to take care of her. Somedays I've thought that between taking care of me and her that having a job was a whole lot easier. I love my mother dearly. We get along very well living together even though she trys to treat me as a two year old at times. ha ha She seems to teeter from wanting to be boss to being helpless. I said earlier I didn't have babies but I suppose I can say I do. Between my mother and myself we have seven dogs! Six chihuahuas and one yellow lab. And one cat. I'm the main caregiver so I feel like I'm running a doggy daycare most days. I think that if it wasn't for having my mother and the animals depending on me I would'nt be able to stand it. If my husband was reading this I'm sure he would wonder why I don't say I take care of him. I suppose in my way I do. If you count taking care of the house and washing clothes and cooking (which I don't do every night), I suppose I do take care of him to a point. I feel more like he takes care of me with paying the bills. I worked long enough to become independent so I still haven't accepted the fact that I'm now 'dependent'. Its not that I worry about my future because I'm secure in my marriage but I felt more useful when I was making a check. Some might says thats crazy but its how I feel. Well dang......my battery is about to run out and I'm sitting in my sunroom typing!! I suppose I better go try to get to sleep anyway. Over and out chicky-baby! :) I don't have time to preview....so typos....ignor um!!

Learning

Well I'm trying to learn this site and for some reason having a difficult time at it. I did manage yesterday to find a few peoples sites. I know there has got to be tons of sites here but I only found the list of the most popular. I read some parts but one thing did stand out to me. I think this new technology is wonderful. After all I'm writing on it myself!! I do have one concern though...that people are making these sites their main priority. I read about one person who had four children. What caught my eye was that she was sitting in a bathtub full of dirty laundry (ugh...) working on her blog. A bathtub FULL of dirty laundry and she's worried about writing on her computer. With four children I expect she has a lot of wash and other things to get done. I think everybody (especially mothers) need their own private time. Don't get me wrong. But the site was so huge you could see she had put in countless hours working on it. While blogging the washing machine will run and so will the dryer. :) These computers can be a wonderful way to relax but not to the point that it comes before everything else. I've noticed that in some of the magazines now they are talking about people becoming 'addicts' with blogging, facebook, myspace. etc. I find that as sad. I can easily see how that could happen. Its always easier to say whats on your mind when your not facing people. When I worked (I'm disabled now) I was so busy with my job and my family things that I didn't take the time to make friends outside of the work place. Now that I'm disabled my 'friends' are my family. I love my family but I do wish I had made friends. Friends on the computer are nice but don't forget about your friends that you can go out to dinner with. Friends that you can sit across from a table with. Its nice to keep a balance with things. But always put the people in your house first. The computer will be there when you come back.

First Post

Welcome to my world!!
You'll find that some days I'm going to talk about that day. Some days I might be talking about my past. But either way I'll let you know where I'm at time frame wise. I decided to blog my life because sometimes its just nice to get things off my chest. Some days things are good and other days it just plain sucks. I've always known that writing is very therapeutic. Like a diary but on the Internet. :) Anyway I can type a whole lot faster then I can write. I also thought that maybe there are other people that are going through times (good or bad) like myself and its always nice to know your not alone. Support is wonderful whether your giving or receiving it. I've always been the 'giver' so I'm good at it. Being the receiver doesn't sound too awful bad either. :) So...I hope this helps somebody if needed or is entertaining to somebody who doesn't. God Bless and thank you for reading.